Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
