Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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