just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
