i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
