I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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