I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
