your thong is hanging out like whoa
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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