why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
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Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
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Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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