I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
