3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Please don't give away my fajitas
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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