he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Send help, water and tortillas.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
