The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Banned from zoo.
Again?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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