Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
