I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
