1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
When did angry sex become our thing?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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