I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
