I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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