DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
