I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
