My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
