I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
