Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
