In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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