2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
