its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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