ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
