I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
We need a shit load of segways right now
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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