oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
