if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
