I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
