I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize