Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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