i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out