The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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