You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
