Life is so much better after having sex.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
