he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
