meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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