I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
