i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
