We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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