i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
