I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
is wine microwaveable?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Randomize
