im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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