Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
