Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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