i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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