4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
