Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
As shirtless as possible
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
