I just cut my nipple shaving
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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