my phone needs a breathalizer
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"