I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
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WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
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Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.