I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
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You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."