Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.