I don't usually arrange sex via text message
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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