Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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