Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
