Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
