this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
