He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
