i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
