Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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