I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
