Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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