I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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