how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Randomize
