my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I had to cum in my sink.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
