she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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