why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
