like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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