Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
