I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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