I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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